RIP Koko

Koko and one of her pet kittens

Koko the gorilla just died. This happened when I was travelling with my students.  I told them, and it turned out that many of them had never heard of her.  Koko was a western lowland gorilla who was particularly known for having learned over 1000 signs in American Sign Language.  She was a skilled communicator who proved that gorillas are capable of empathy, compassion, and grief.  In her travels, she met many famous people including Robin Williams and Mr. Rogers.  I followed her since I was a young girl and will miss her.  RIP Koko.

Travels to Vienna with my students

Psychology has its roots in the upper class of Vienna, in the early 1900s.  Freud famously was one of the first to engage in talk therapy- mostly with upper class, neurotic Viennese women who didn’t have anything to do but spend their money on expensive analysis.

I am privileged every year to take a group of mostly American university undergraduates to visit the city and get an immersive experience amongst psychology’s beginnings.  This year, as is usual, we left on a Monday and began with a walking tour of old Vienna.   As a city, Vienna is replete with relevant history about both world wars.   Hitler came to Vienna to annex Austria and set up some of the first concentration camps.   Though many Austrian people prefer to think of themselves as victims to an occupation, some younger people are starting to take more ownership as guilty bystanders who could have done more for the Jews. We saw a lot of the infamous historical sites and also some of the older ones that were more associated with the Habsburg empire.

The Austrian countryside on the way to the concentration camp

We also visited the Viktor Frankl museum and attended a talk about his life and theory.  A volunteer named Karl Konig usually gives this talk and he always seems to really be passionate about the subject matter.  If you have not read ‘Man’s search for meaning’, I highly recommend it; Frankl wrote much of it when he was in a Nazi concentration camp and its beautiful testament to hope and survival despite cruel and extended mistreatment.  To supplement this visit, the class took a tour of Mauthausen concentration camp, the next day, where the saw the remains of the camp and the memorial and museum.  It’s a troubling visit which I purposely distance myself from.  I have been there about five times and I was fully present the first two and it really is just an awfully dark experience to repeat.  I think that everyone should visit one once, however.  We humans need reminders of our own atrocities and the depths to which we can sink as a warning to avoid the pitfalls of dehumanization.  At any rate, it was sobering, and my students and I had a wrap-up afterward.  Interestingly, though the concentration camp seemed to hit most of them hard, a sense of worry was prevalent: many fear that history is, or will soon, repeat itself and that fascism and racism are on the rise.  I share their concerns on one hand, but also find that, in a parental way, I am concerned about them how worried they are.  As a group, they have grown up with school shootings and terrorism.   They seem to walk through life with more thoughts about their own deaths than I did at their age.  They shouldn’t have to be so worried.

The last part of the week was rounded off by a visit to the Adler Institute and the Freud Museum.  I have never quite been able to relate to Adler’s theories, but still find it impressive how he was able to bring psychoanalysis to the community.  He found it important to treat everyday people, unlike Freud, who only treated the Vienna elite.

Where the Wednesday Society met

The Freud museum is interesting, and I am always a little awed to stand in the room where the Wednesday group met.  I can imagine myself sitting in his waiting room, studying at his name plate.  I find it interesting that Sigmund Freud, a man who thought it was important to be a ‘blank slate’ and thus let one’s clients project their innermost feelings onto the analyst, had an office that was ornate and filled with archeological relics.  Certainly, he must have known that his taste in décor said something about his own unconscious. 

This post is just an overview of many of the historic and educational places one can visit in Vienna, for the person who is studying psychology.  Going as part of a University class gives one an excuse to visit places where one might not normally bother, if one was travelling just for pleasure.  It’s a unique and fun way to Vienna and I look forward to taking another group of students, next year.

The Sleep Whisperer

Many of my clients report difficulties sleeping.  In my psychological travels, I am often on the lookout for apps and programs that assist with sleep.  There are quite a few out there, from the sounds of nature and white noise, to meditation and finally to rambling voices that supposedly take one's mind off of their own noisy thoughts.

The sleep whisperer is a podcast produced and narrated by a delightfully sensitive man who only goes by the name 'Harris'.  The premise of the podcast is fairly simple and even has some science behind it.  The idea is that you want something to distract you from your own thinking in order to help you to fall asleep.  However, that something cannot be too complicated or stimulating so that it actually keeps you awake.  'Harris' has created a recording of his voice reading exceptionally boring stories and lists and ramblings that are interesting enough to distract you from your own thoughts, but boring enough to help you fall asleep.  This includes his reading things like recipes, wordlists, and even wikipedia articles.   I have tried his podcast myself several times and I think it's quite effective.  Here is the link:

Sleep Whispers

Enjoy!

For more information about my practice, please visit debbiequackenbush.com.

Review of the book: 'State of Affairs'

An affair can be one of the most devastating events to occur in a monogamous relationship.  Perhaps  it's that potential for devastation that causes people to view it in simplistic, black-and-white terms.  Many expressions abound about affairs that supposedly contain some element of truth in them. 'Once a cheater, always a cheater'.  'Affairs only happen in couples where there are already troubles'.  I myself have even found myself thinking in simple, reductionistic terms, about affairs.

And yet, affairs happen with striking frequency.  Over one-third of both men and women who are currently married admit to having had an affair.  The rise of online relations has given way to more women partaking in both emotional and sexual affairs in a transgression that was once committed mostly by men.  Most individuals who perpetrate such a violation feel tremendously guilty and even destroyed by their own actions.  Almost no one sets out to cheat on their partner.  It is easy, even for a therapist, to approach an affair as inherently bad, or immoral or harmful in some way.  However, Esther Perel, is brilliantly capable of nuancing supposedly most treachorous-seeming actions . ..... People do not fall into neat categories of victims and perpetrators.  Even decent people cheat and this needs to be acknowledged and understood.  Perel provides a framework for doing so.


Esther Perel as a modulated thinker with a hefty brain.  She has spent years conversing with couples in long term relationships about their cheating and also their ability to sustain a sexual relationship over time.  She has a unique ability to both see the couple and also see a bigger context that includes patriarchal norms, and  Jungian archetypes.  I quite literally could not put her book down.

Perel has the unique ability to take psychodynamic/sociological concepts and translate them into terms that every day English speakers can understand (even though she herself hails from Belgium).  If you want a interesting read about the whys and wherefores that people commit adultery, this is your book.

Does having children make you happy: compulsory parenthood in Denmark

There is a baby boom happening in Denmark right now.   Every other Danish father pushes a stroller that is a cross between a full-sized crib and a Humvee.  Couples that have waited until their late 30s to try and conceive can rely on the government to assist them with their fertility treatment, if they need it.  Many people relate this recent 'baby boom-let' to the humorous campaign instituted a few years ago by the Danish government to inspire Danes to have more children (see here).

A sizable percentage of my practice these days is 35 somethings who are either trying to have children or conflicted about whether or not to have children.  Grief over not being able to, or ambivalence about the prospect of doing so, pervade many of these peoples' concerns.  Even educated women swear that they feel a 'natural' compulsion to have a baby (despite the fact that they know women who do not feel this urge).  Nonetheless, a sizable number of Expats in Denmark seem to feel personally deficient if they cannot have children, or if they do not want to have children.

These people are utterly convinced that they cannot be happy unless they bring a new human into the world.  And yet, what does the data say about having children?   To be frank, the data really does not support that having children makes you happier.  In fact, quite the opposite can be true, and for already troubled marriages, the stress of having children can be the thing that pushes it over the edge.

The problem, is that culture often seems to demand that people have children.  Women and men who have just married get hounded with questions about when they will now have a child.  Workplace canteens often are full of conversations about kids and family that leave the childless people feeling alienated.  However, there is a large disconnect between the realities of having children and the myths about having children.  Many seem to think having children is the road to fulfillment and when it proves to be quite the opposite, the results can be draining, devastating, and leave one feeling like a failure.

I recently read this article which I found enlightening.  Despite a cultural taboo not to do so, some women are feeling empowered enough to talk about their regrets about having had children.  Most of these women believed that having kids would make them happy, at one time.  Time and experience changed their minds.  I think it is infinitely important for people to be able to talk about the things that are taboo. I think that these women (and men) have a lesson to teach.

Of course, people will continue to have biological children and that has to be okay from a personal liberty standpoint.  Be sure, if you decide to have children, that this is what you want to do.  Reflect, and explore your feelings.  How much of this decision is yours and how much is the influence of others?  Try not to forget, also, that having a child is perhaps the single most destructive thing you can do to the environment.  See here for a summary of some of the research.  I realize that it is a human right and that I cannot argue with.  However, I urge those of you who want children to do some soul searching about it, and those of you who are ambivalent, or who cannot conceive, to forgive yourself-- you are likely doing the planet some good. I just worry that the cultural pressure to have a children leaves people out of touch with their true nature and feeling pressured to make something happen that they perhaps aren't that suited for.  To the people I know who feel like a failure, or feel conflicted, I want you to know that I am your ally.

Review of the Headspace Meditation Application

Frequently, particularly when I am seeing someone with stress or anxiety, I recommend developing a meditation practice.  There are a plethora of free applications and videos on YouTube.  But when clients ask me if there is one I prefer, I recommend Headspace.  I have downloaded and tried several of them myself.  However, I had never purchased one until about two months ago when I decided to try the paid version of Headspace and review it for my website and blog.

First, I will tell you why I have thus far preferred Headspace over some of the other apps out there (i.e., 'Relax'):  As far as I can tell, it's the most professionally-produced meditation application.  Many of them, including the ones on YouTube, seem somewhat amateurish.  For example, you can hear a buzzing in the sound quality and/or the speaker makes a statement that I know to be false or unhelpful.  Occasionally, speakers will introduce a concept that I know is not supported by research.

Click here for website and app download

Below, find some comments I have specifically about the Headspace application.

Disadvantages:

1) Problems with the application freezing on the phone.   I have very frequently experienced the application shutting down in the middle of a meditation.  Needless to say this is highly distracting.  Once or twice, I found that a ten minute meditation had become thirty, without my awareness.  Though this isn't necessarily the fault of the creators of this Headspace, I wish they had more help available for this.  Even when I reset my screensaver on my phone, I found that this still sometimes occured and I am not sure why.  I have taken to using it now, on my IPad and computer to avoid having this happen. 
2) A lot of  duplicate material.  Though there are a plethora of packs and singles to choose from, with different themes, most of them are remarkably the same.  In some ways, this serves to highlight how simply meditation is, but in other instances, it just seems lazy, on the part of the creators.
3) Some overreach about what meditation is good for.  Don't get me wrong:  I swear by medication and it's good for a lot of things.  But at times, it's proponents cane seem like they are 'peddling snakeoil' when they tout that it is good for all your ills.  There is good, sound data that a meditation practice can help anxiety, but Headspace has modules that claim to help you with 'generosity' and 'prioritization'.  This goes far beyond the data, in my opinion.


Things I really like:
1) Good, solid, basics of meditation.  the basic packs do a respectable job at teaching one a rudimentary meditation practice in a slow, simple and methodical manner.  Though the differences between each episide are miniscule, you do feel that it builds over time.
2) Andy's voice .  Andy's voice is partiuclary suited for this purpose.  He manages to sound both authoritative and soothing at the same time.
3) Professional Quality.  Compared to other applications, I just don't think there is another better than Headspace for it's sleek design and usability.

In sum, I really do recommend the Headspace application.  I use it myself, and will continue recommending it to the clients I treat.

When therapy makes you feel worse (an article featuring an old friend)

I thought I would pass this along.  I think it's fairly representative of how things go in real therapy.  Furthermore, it features an old buddy/colleague who currently does training in Nevada.

https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/xw4jyz/breakup-therapy-pain-before-healing