The Sleep Whisperer

Many of my clients report difficulties sleeping.  In my psychological travels, I am often on the lookout for apps and programs that assist with sleep.  There are quite a few out there, from the sounds of nature and white noise, to meditation and finally to rambling voices that supposedly take one's mind off of their own noisy thoughts.

The sleep whisperer is a podcast produced and narrated by a delightfully sensitive man who only goes by the name 'Harris'.  The premise of the podcast is fairly simple and even has some science behind it.  The idea is that you want something to distract you from your own thinking in order to help you to fall asleep.  However, that something cannot be too complicated or stimulating so that it actually keeps you awake.  'Harris' has created a recording of his voice reading exceptionally boring stories and lists and ramblings that are interesting enough to distract you from your own thoughts, but boring enough to help you fall asleep.  This includes his reading things like recipes, wordlists, and even wikipedia articles.   I have tried his podcast myself several times and I think it's quite effective.  Here is the link:

Sleep Whispers

Enjoy!

For more information about my practice, please visit debbiequackenbush.com.

Review of the book: 'State of Affairs'

An affair can be one of the most devastating events to occur in a monogamous relationship.  Perhaps  it's that potential for devastation that causes people to view it in simplistic, black-and-white terms.  Many expressions abound about affairs that supposedly contain some element of truth in them. 'Once a cheater, always a cheater'.  'Affairs only happen in couples where there are already troubles'.  I myself have even found myself thinking in simple, reductionistic terms, about affairs.

And yet, affairs happen with striking frequency.  Over one-third of both men and women who are currently married admit to having had an affair.  The rise of online relations has given way to more women partaking in both emotional and sexual affairs in a transgression that was once committed mostly by men.  Most individuals who perpetrate such a violation feel tremendously guilty and even destroyed by their own actions.  Almost no one sets out to cheat on their partner.  It is easy, even for a therapist, to approach an affair as inherently bad, or immoral or harmful in some way.  However, Esther Perel, is brilliantly capable of nuancing supposedly most treachorous-seeming actions . ..... People do not fall into neat categories of victims and perpetrators.  Even decent people cheat and this needs to be acknowledged and understood.  Perel provides a framework for doing so.


Esther Perel as a modulated thinker with a hefty brain.  She has spent years conversing with couples in long term relationships about their cheating and also their ability to sustain a sexual relationship over time.  She has a unique ability to both see the couple and also see a bigger context that includes patriarchal norms, and  Jungian archetypes.  I quite literally could not put her book down.

Perel has the unique ability to take psychodynamic/sociological concepts and translate them into terms that every day English speakers can understand (even though she herself hails from Belgium).  If you want a interesting read about the whys and wherefores that people commit adultery, this is your book.

Does having children make you happy: compulsory parenthood in Denmark

There is a baby boom happening in Denmark right now.   Every other Danish father pushes a stroller that is a cross between a full-sized crib and a Humvee.  Couples that have waited until their late 30s to try and conceive can rely on the government to assist them with their fertility treatment, if they need it.  Many people relate this recent 'baby boom-let' to the humorous campaign instituted a few years ago by the Danish government to inspire Danes to have more children (see here).

A sizable percentage of my practice these days is 35 somethings who are either trying to have children or conflicted about whether or not to have children.  Grief over not being able to, or ambivalence about the prospect of doing so, pervade many of these peoples' concerns.  Even educated women swear that they feel a 'natural' compulsion to have a baby (despite the fact that they know women who do not feel this urge).  Nonetheless, a sizable number of Expats in Denmark seem to feel personally deficient if they cannot have children, or if they do not want to have children.

These people are utterly convinced that they cannot be happy unless they bring a new human into the world.  And yet, what does the data say about having children?   To be frank, the data really does not support that having children makes you happier.  In fact, quite the opposite can be true, and for already troubled marriages, the stress of having children can be the thing that pushes it over the edge.

The problem, is that culture often seems to demand that people have children.  Women and men who have just married get hounded with questions about when they will now have a child.  Workplace canteens often are full of conversations about kids and family that leave the childless people feeling alienated.  However, there is a large disconnect between the realities of having children and the myths about having children.  Many seem to think having children is the road to fulfillment and when it proves to be quite the opposite, the results can be draining, devastating, and leave one feeling like a failure.

I recently read this article which I found enlightening.  Despite a cultural taboo not to do so, some women are feeling empowered enough to talk about their regrets about having had children.  Most of these women believed that having kids would make them happy, at one time.  Time and experience changed their minds.  I think it is infinitely important for people to be able to talk about the things that are taboo. I think that these women (and men) have a lesson to teach.

Of course, people will continue to have biological children and that has to be okay from a personal liberty standpoint.  Be sure, if you decide to have children, that this is what you want to do.  Reflect, and explore your feelings.  How much of this decision is yours and how much is the influence of others?  Try not to forget, also, that having a child is perhaps the single most destructive thing you can do to the environment.  See here for a summary of some of the research.  I realize that it is a human right and that I cannot argue with.  However, I urge those of you who want children to do some soul searching about it, and those of you who are ambivalent, or who cannot conceive, to forgive yourself-- you are likely doing the planet some good. I just worry that the cultural pressure to have a children leaves people out of touch with their true nature and feeling pressured to make something happen that they perhaps aren't that suited for.  To the people I know who feel like a failure, or feel conflicted, I want you to know that I am your ally.

Review of the Headspace Meditation Application

Frequently, particularly when I am seeing someone with stress or anxiety, I recommend developing a meditation practice.  There are a plethora of free applications and videos on YouTube.  But when clients ask me if there is one I prefer, I recommend Headspace.  I have downloaded and tried several of them myself.  However, I had never purchased one until about two months ago when I decided to try the paid version of Headspace and review it for my website and blog.

First, I will tell you why I have thus far preferred Headspace over some of the other apps out there (i.e., 'Relax'):  As far as I can tell, it's the most professionally-produced meditation application.  Many of them, including the ones on YouTube, seem somewhat amateurish.  For example, you can hear a buzzing in the sound quality and/or the speaker makes a statement that I know to be false or unhelpful.  Occasionally, speakers will introduce a concept that I know is not supported by research.

Click here for website and app download

Below, find some comments I have specifically about the Headspace application.

Disadvantages:

1) Problems with the application freezing on the phone.   I have very frequently experienced the application shutting down in the middle of a meditation.  Needless to say this is highly distracting.  Once or twice, I found that a ten minute meditation had become thirty, without my awareness.  Though this isn't necessarily the fault of the creators of this Headspace, I wish they had more help available for this.  Even when I reset my screensaver on my phone, I found that this still sometimes occured and I am not sure why.  I have taken to using it now, on my IPad and computer to avoid having this happen. 
2) A lot of  duplicate material.  Though there are a plethora of packs and singles to choose from, with different themes, most of them are remarkably the same.  In some ways, this serves to highlight how simply meditation is, but in other instances, it just seems lazy, on the part of the creators.
3) Some overreach about what meditation is good for.  Don't get me wrong:  I swear by medication and it's good for a lot of things.  But at times, it's proponents cane seem like they are 'peddling snakeoil' when they tout that it is good for all your ills.  There is good, sound data that a meditation practice can help anxiety, but Headspace has modules that claim to help you with 'generosity' and 'prioritization'.  This goes far beyond the data, in my opinion.


Things I really like:
1) Good, solid, basics of meditation.  the basic packs do a respectable job at teaching one a rudimentary meditation practice in a slow, simple and methodical manner.  Though the differences between each episide are miniscule, you do feel that it builds over time.
2) Andy's voice .  Andy's voice is partiuclary suited for this purpose.  He manages to sound both authoritative and soothing at the same time.
3) Professional Quality.  Compared to other applications, I just don't think there is another better than Headspace for it's sleek design and usability.

In sum, I really do recommend the Headspace application.  I use it myself, and will continue recommending it to the clients I treat.

When therapy makes you feel worse (an article featuring an old friend)

I thought I would pass this along.  I think it's fairly representative of how things go in real therapy.  Furthermore, it features an old buddy/colleague who currently does training in Nevada.

https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/xw4jyz/breakup-therapy-pain-before-healing

Revisting Marriage and Loving Kindness

In September I took a trip to Houston (post-storm Harvey) and attended a workshop on Gottman-style relationship therapy.   This is something I have had a growing interest in;  the wealth of ultra-useful data grows by leaps and bounds.  This week, I am also teaching my undergraduates about marital therapy which has caused me to update my lecture materials and contemplate again, about what we know and do not know about long term romantic partnerships.

As an introduction to what I hope will be short series on couples, I will say this:  what we know about how to keep a partnership together is simple.  Even though John Gottman (among others) has an intricate and complex data set about what makes marriages work, much of it boils down to something akin to the 'Golden Rule' or 'do unto others...'

Just because something is simple however, does not make it easy.  I, like most people, know that to stay fit I basically have to engage in some amount of cardiovascular  training every day and eat in an reasonable way.  That does NOT make that task, easy, however.  Staying mindful and making deliberately healthy choices requires focus, energy and will.  Similarly, staying married requires daily attention to your spouse, and to your emotional state.  It requires being willing to sustain habits both on your own and with your partner that will keep you all in emotional equilibrium.  It requires that you try (and succeed, on occasion) to NOT say that critical thing about your spouse, just because it pops into your mind.  It requires loving kindness and treating your spouse like a valued friend.

I think that some couples decide, ultimately, that it is too much work to turn things around for their relationship.  I do not think this should be judged or that is a morally 'wrong' decision in some way.  For some, ultimately the will decide to cut their losses and try to forge ahead to a new relationship and attempt to learn, with a new partner, from past mistakes.  This is, and should be a valid choice.

Here is the news article that inspired me to write, today:

CNN: The latest on marriage

from the Gottman's

I have always been drawn to the Gottmans' work.  When I was in graduate school, I noticed that a lot of practitioners hung a shingle out by their practice and advertised that they were a 'couples therapist' without having any real training in couples therapy.  At the time, there wasn't as much research about couples work as there was about work with individuals.  But the Gottmans changed that in some of their revolutionary work on couples, in the 'love lab'. They were real pioneers who offered a data-based way to think about couples interactions.

Here is one of their latest posts about anger.  https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg/   I find it very relevant in the treating of couples because often, if the angry member of the couple can get better in tune with the vulnerability underneath their anger, it makes it much easier for their partner to have empathy.  Enjoy.